Hi baby, it’s your mama.

I want to start before the beginning, if that’s even possible, but I think it’s pertinent. Before we had our first baby, who turned out to be our red-headed, tender-hearted, wild and smart little Bexley. You see, before her, before the thought of her, I was unsure that there would be children in my future. I was a product of divorce and abuse, and worried that I would inherit the same qualities in motherhood that I feared as a child. Fast forward many years and you’ll find me sitting on my bathroom floor, googling the odds of a false pregnancy test before heading into the 24 hour store a town away to buy every damn test on the shelf. Sure enough, we were pregnant with your big sister, Bexley. I was ball of excited and terrified, but once she arrived and was placed in our arms I knew things would be ok. Better than ok, because she was perfect, and all of the fear I once had was gone knowing that the love I had for her and support from your father would surpass any negative thoughts I had about being a parent.

Two years had passed and the thought of having another was still a nervous thought. Could I mentally handle two? We loved the idea of our sweet girl being a big sister and turns out, she did too. So we started trying. And trying and trying and trying. That was a tough year. Every month would come and go, and every month would get harder and more disheartening. It seemed so easy the first go-around, we didn’t know what to do. I had a talk with our OB, we started the process to see if there were any problems. We planned a follow up for the next month, a few weeks after our Iceland trip. Three weeks after we came back from Iceland, the stick read “pregnant”. I canceled the appointment with OB to make our first visit at 7 weeks.

We couldn’t wait to talk about you, baby, because the one thing I never expected was that every “not pregnant” test that we would read would make us want you just a little bit more, and I had taken a lot of tests. You were our Iceland baby, and we were so excited! Your sister was about to turn four, so we got the family together to share the news. It was early so we just kept it between family but we knew we couldn’t keep it a secret when they all knew we were trying.

Unlike my first pregnancy with your sister, you were easy. You didn’t make me sick all the time, I could still eat regular food, and I had the perfect excuse (and trust me, need) to take two naps a day. I felt sooo different this time around, and with no spring weddings, the timing was perfect. I was always scared with Bexley being due in busy season that I would miss a wedding, so much so that we tried to plan you around wedding season. Bex was SO freaking excited too. It was all working out.

Until it wasn’t.

We all walked into that 12 week ultrasound room so ready to see you and hear your heart beat. Bexley wore her “Team Sister” t-shirt we announced you with. After what seemed like an eternity, the nurse announced that you had no heartbeat and were measuring about 6 weeks along. Our hearts broke in an instant.

We loved you with all our hearts. You may have only been “ours” for a few short months, but the love we have for you will always stay.

I miss what could have been. I miss the feeling of knowing you’d have a home full of love and care. I miss seeing your dad light up when he’d talk to you. I miss your sister talking to you every night before bed.

We felt ready, but the world must not have been. God had other plans. It hurts like hell, even now, 6 months later, with your due date being just tomorrow. I hurt for Bexley, who amazingly understood that you’re with Nana B now, who still randomly mentions that she misses you. She gets it, but I hate that she does. She loves babies, and every time she’s around them she’s so good with them. She would have been so good with you, baby. She somehow seems stronger than all of us. But we’re all strong, it just comes in waves.

I’m keeping on the bright side, or trying to anyways. I’m appreciating the positives, finding peace in the “I’m not alone” mentality, and doing my best to remember that one day we’ll meet again. I want nothing more than to have you in my arms right now, to feel complete in our family, but life isn’t always in my control, and that just has to be ok for right now.

We love you with all our hearts forever and always.

Love, Your Mama.